Ricardo by Maia Albuquerque

 

Ricardo 

    No one tells you how difficult it is, it's easy to live in secret, but even harder to tell the truth. I remember vividly in 6th grade finding my truth, but I never told anyone. I attended a Catholic school until 7th grade, so it was considered to be a sin to be gay. I grew up in a semi religious household, but my extended family, such as my grandparents, were very Catholic. I never thought I would be accepted due to the beliefs of the Catholic Church . I never told my parents because I thought they had the same mentality. My own mother once made a comment about a character on a tv show who was bisexual, saying it was weird. That for me was a sign to not tell anyone.

    I didn't tell anyone for years until I decided to tell my closest friends in 8th grade. They accepted me with open arms. It was because of them that I gained the courage to tell my family.  It was incredibly nerve racking not knowing what they would say or how they would react. One day I wrote my mom a letter explaining everything.  She said it didn’t change a thing. One step at a time though. It made me incredibly stressed to tell my father ,so my mom told him.  After that it felt like a weight taken off my shoulders. But then that raised the question as to who else I was supposed to tell. It took me a few months before I gathered the strength to tell my maternal grandparents. I have a very close relationship with them. One day, I sat down with my grandmother and great grandmother at the dinner table one day and I just told them. And to this day they have supported me. My great grandmother at 80 years old, who was raised extremely catholic, told me, " it doesn't change anything, you are still my granddaughter. Ricky Martin is great and so are you!"  Those words that my grandmother said to me mean the world to me. I can't ever hear a Ricky Martin song without getting emotional about it.  His coming out to the world as gay, helped my family to accept me and I am grateful that people such as Ricky Martin have spread awareness about it. 

    As far as for who I have told, the list is quite small. My close friends, my parents, some selected family members. I wouldn’t say I’m out entirely. I don’t go around telling everyone with a sign on my forehead, but if I’m asked about it I don’t lie. I have two bracelets on my left hand with the rainbow flag and that is as out as I am. I used to always cover it if I go out, but I am not ashamed anymore.  I can't be ashamed of something I can't change. I am proud of who I am. But that wasn't always the case. People use gay as a joke or certain slurs against gay people jokingly. I guess I don't appear to be gay to them, but it hurts me because I feel it personally. I remember when I had long hair and I wanted to cut, which is what I did. But I would hear people talking about me behind my back, saying I looked like a lesbian. I remember going through a phase when I thought I needed to dress more feminine such as wearing dresses and skirts everyday to school to try and mask who I was in fear I would be ridiculed. One of my close friends came out to her family and they told her that it was just a phase and that she shouldn't tell anyone because it would bring embarrassment to her family. She was told that she dressed too masculine and was forced to change before going to a dance. Even in my own house, one of my mom’s friends, was talking at the dinner table saying that she believed being gay is a choice , the wrong one. After everything I experienced, I finally got to the point where enough is enough. The LGBTQ+ community has gone through so much hurt in the past, but it has improved. Many people who are allies of the community are accepting and supporting. It is truly disheartening having to experience all these things, without being able to stand up for myself in fear of what others would think of me. I’ve had to stay quiet, but I won’t ever again.

    During quarantine, I’ve had time to reflect on my past decisions, and I realized that I am not going to let anyone hurt me because of who I am . I don’t care if they think I look like a lebsian because of my short hair, or my clothing choices. I am who I am and won’t apologize for it.  Just recently, a teacher told me that things are going to get better. She offered me guidance and support when I was going through a time when I felt ashamed of my identity. Because of what she said to me, my perspective entirely changed and I accepted myself. One person's kind words of encouragement and support, made me love me. Every part of me. So if anyone reading this feels like I have felt in the past, don't hesitate to reach out to me, because I know it made a big difference when someone told me “it gets better” . If anyone reading this is living in secret or ashamed of who they are, just remember, Ricky Martin is great and so are you.