This ISN'T a diary By Julia Kadar

    

Entry one: 11/11. 8:34 AM

   Today I am seeing Emma.  Every time I see her I feel happy.  Everything has been so much better since we started dating, I can't imagine what would have happened if we hadn't started dating last year.  She makes me feel special, important, needed.  If I'm able to make her half as happy as she makes me, that would be a miracle.  I haven't always been the best boyfriend, but I try my best for her.  I'm supposed to write these entries, my therapist wanted my to write a diary entry for everyday.  I don't want a diary. Diaries are stupid.  So, I will fill these pages with Emma.  This will be filled with all my thoughts about Emma, how she makes me feel, the experiences we share.  Let me be clear this is in no way a diary, and it will NEVER be a "diary".  At most this will be a journal, but not a diary.  I'm going to go see Emma now, I hope she never finds these entries.

Entry two: 11/11. 9:23 PM

    I'm back from seeing Emma.  We spent the day together.  We went bowling, and I won.  After that I took her out to lunch.  She is so full of life, she wants to do so much with her life.  She was talking to me today about the future.  She wants to go to college, she wants to be a teacher, she wants to be there for kids like me all her life.  She wants a family, at least two kids she said.  She wants a house not far from the neighborhood we live in now.  She wants her parents to always be a part of her life.  She knows what she wants, and I still have no idea what I want.  She never pressures me about my plans like everyone else.  She just wants me to be happy.  I don't know why she's my girlfriend, I don't deserve her.

Entry three: 11/12. 10:12 AM

    Emma called this morning.  We face-timed.  She said she wanted to cut her hair.  She wants to donate it.  That's so like her.  She donated hair before when she was younger.  She always wants to help people.  She does community service not for high school or college or anything, but just to be a good person.  That's partly why she wants to be a teacher, to help people.  To help kids.  Why can't everyone be like her?  Why can't I be like her?

Entry four: 11/13. 11:12 PM

    I almost forgot to write an entry for today.  My parents wouldn't be happy if I missed one.  They found a good therapist, which also means an expensive therapist.  We aren't poor, but we aren't rolling in money either.  I don't want my parents to worry, that's my main goal in life.  That's why I agreed to see a therapist.  That's why I'm writing these entries.  Not for me, but for them.  Mom had to get a second job to make sure I can keep seeing the therapist, and I don't want it to seem like it is for nothing.  Anyway, I saw Emma today.  She got her hair cut, and she looks beautiful.

Entry five: 11/14. 8:08 AM

    Emma and I both have work today, so we won't get to hang out.  She doesn't like her job too much, but she says it builds character.  I guess that's true, but I don't like that she's not happy there.  I like visiting her at her job when our schedules don't overlap.  I can tell she's there, it's like her energy fills the place and makes everyone happier.  Her co-workers all like her, as they should.  She's always so happy to see me, and that makes me so happy.  Everyone who's lucky enough to be around her is happier because of it.  I love her.

Entry six: 11/15. 8:04 AM

    Work again today, but Emma and I are seeing each other after work.  We are going out to dinner tonight.

Entry seven: 11/15.  8:34 PM

    Emma and I got into a fight.  I don't know what happened.  Emma started talking about her future again, and she asked me about mine.  I told her I didn't want to talk about it.  She knows I don't like to talk about it.  Why did she even ask me in the first place?  She asked me a weird question.  She wanted to know if I saw us together in the future.  She actually asked me if I was thinking about staying with her, here, forever.  I didn't know what to say, and that's what I told her.  I don't know.  I guess that was the wrong thing to say, because she got upset.  So upset, that by the end of the conversation she left the restaurant.  Now I'm at home, confused and upset, and not gonna lie, a little angry.  I guess it's a girl thing, where they don't say what they mean for some reason, because I don't understand anything of what's happening.  Screw it, I'm going to bed.  I have therapy tomorrow.

Entry eight: 11/16. 3:45 PM

    I'm back from therapy.  I'm doing well with these entries apparently.  My therapist told me what I did wrong last night.  She's pretty chill.  She said Emma was trying to see if I was ready to commit to her or if she should move on.  I'm gonna call Emma today to clear everything up.  She has to know how much I love her.

Entry nine: 11/17. 8:08 AM

    I have to write quick, I have work.  I called Emma yesterday, I think everything's good between us now.  She did seem a little off, but I'll make it up to her.  I'm gonna surprise her after work and take her out for ice cream.  That's what we did on out first date. I think she'll like that.

Entry ten: 11/18. 8:10 AM

    Things are still weird between me and Emma.  She wouldn't go out with me yesterday.  She won't answer my calls or texts.  I'm really worried.  I have therapy again tomorrow, my therapist wants me to see her two times a week now.

Entry eleven: 11/19. 8:11 AM

    I'm going to therapy after work.  Emma still won't call me back.  I don't know what to do.

Entry twelve: 11/20. 8:09 AM

    Therapy was okay yesterday.  Emma still won't talk to me.

Entry thirteen: 11/21. 4:31 AM

    Emma finally answered my calls.  She dumped me.

Entry fourteen: 11/24. 5:32 PM

    I had therapy today.  My therapist wasn't happy I missed writing entries.  My therapist says I won't get better if I don't do the exercises.  I don't think writing stupid entries is going to help anything.  There's only one thing that can truly make the pain go away.

Entry fifteen: 11/25. 8:07 AM

    I'm going to work.

Entry sixteen: 11/26. 1:09 AM

    Emma and I talked a little while ago.  She wanted to check in on me.  I don't think we're getting back together.  I don't know how long I can take this.

Entry seventeen: 11/27. 5:09 PM

    Work was okay today.

Entry eighteen: 11/28. 6:12 PM

    Therapy was okay today.  We talked about Emma for a while, but then we didn't talk about her.  We talked about me for a while.  My therapist is worried that Emma is going to make me worse.  She told me to stay away from Emma.  How am I supposed to stay away from the girl I love?

Entry nineteen: 11/29. 12:10 PM

    Today's a bad day.  I can't even get out of bed.  My parents are worried, especially my mom, but I can't really care right now.

Entry twenty: 11/30. 1:27 PM

    Today is a bad one too.  I'm still in bed.  I don't know how anything can be good again without Emma.  How can I live without her?

Entry twenty-one: 12/1. 3:32 AM

    I'm at Emma's house.  I miss her.  While she's asleep I can pretend we're still together.  Everything is still good.  Nothing's changed.  I'm going to watch her for a little longer.

Entry twenty-two: 12/2. 5:01 PM

    I'm in bed again.  It's a really bad day.  Would it be so bad if I just ended it?

Entry twenty-three: 12/3. 7:01 PM 

    My parents are out tonight.  I hate to do this to them, but I just can't do this anymore.  I think it's time.

    Dear Emma, you were the best thing that ever happened to me.  Without you my world has gone dark.  I don't want to live in darkness.  Not without you.  You were my last defense, but now you've left me.  I wish I could be a part of your future, but it's too late for that now.  Goodbye.