Pronouns Matter, A Guide To Remembering Pronouns- Meghan Smith

Pronouns Matter- A guide to remembering Pronouns

        Have you ever had a friend who has come out to you as transgender or Non-binary, giving themselves a new name and a new set of pronouns? It's an amazing experience, your friend trusts you enough to tell you something that they've most likely been harboring for years. It can also be scary, as now you are tasked with remembering and using their new pronouns and possibly their new name. It can also be difficult because you might not know when to use these new pronouns/new names if they're not yet out to family, certain friends, and teachers. Pronouns are very important, as they can help somebody feel more comfortable in themselves, so it's important that all people, learn to utilize and respect pronouns! It can be difficult, and sometimes even scary, but to be an ally to your friend, and to the LGBTQ+ community, you need to learn these how to do things. 

        Step 1: Change their contact name on your phone: If after coming out, your friend has changed their name and pronouns an easy way to help you remember the change is to make their new name their new contact name. Personally, I like to put their pronouns next to their name. 

For example, Allie -> Alex (they, them). 

    Step 2: Ask your friend when and where you can use their new name and set of pronouns, so you don't accidentally out them to their family before they are ready. Coming out can be a really special experience but it can stress a person out, and you don't want to out somebody before they are ready to tell their loved ones of this change. 

For example, "Hey Alex, can I use your new name and pronouns around so and so?" 

    Step 3: Every time you say their name, add their new pronoun in your head. This will remind you that they have changed their pronouns and it will help you to use them when you talk to/about them. It will also make them feel more comfortable with hearing others use their new set of pronouns. 

For example, Alex *in your head*(they, them) did this yesterday.

    Step 4: Take a post-it note or a notecard, put their new name and/or pronouns on it, and place it in a spot that you view often. Make sure you say their new name and pronouns every time you see the note. This will further help you use their new name/pronouns when you're talking to and about them.

For example, *puts a post-it note on my bulletin board* "I will not misgender Alex, (they, them), and this is my reminder of their new name and pronouns!"

    Step 5: Look for opportunities to use their new name and pronouns. People who have recently changed their name and pronouns appreciate it when you remember and use the new name and pronouns that make them feel the most comfortable. This will also help others around you remember your friends' new name and pronouns!

For example, "I was talking with Alex last week. They said that they didn't understand what we were learning in class."

    Step 6: Correct yourself, and others around you. Remembering somebody's new pronouns and name can take time, and as humans, we make mistakes. Try to correct yourself, or one of you're friends if you slip up. If you mess up in front of your friend who has recently changed to using a new name and pronouns, correct yourself and apologize. Remember, try not to make a big deal out of it, but understand that you made a mistake.

Example 1, "Allie said she can't go bowling this weekend, her cousins will be in town." "Wait, remember, Alex, changed their name and goes by they/them now." "Oh, yea I forgot. Sorry, Alex said they can't go bowling this weekend, their cousins will be in town."

Example 2, "I'm sad you can't come bowling with us this weekend Allie. oops I mean Alex, sorry. We're gonna miss you. Maybe we can go to the movies next week or something so we can spend time together as a group."

    Step 7: Learn to associate your friend's gender, not with how they dress and how their body looks, but how they feel. If they use new pronouns and a new name, that is now their pronouns and their name, no questions asked unless they tell you otherwise. 

For example, "Why is Alex wearing a skirt today? I thought they wanted to be androgynous?" "They are androgynous, this is just how they chose to express themselves today, but it doesn't change the fact that they're pronouns are they, them, and they don't like to be called by their deadname."

    Step 8: Be an ultimate ally and put your pronouns in your Instagram bio, if you have it. ESPECIALLY if you are cisgender. This may help your friend who came out to be more confident and comfortable using their new pronouns, and it normalizes using gender pronouns after a name. Also, while introducing yourself, you can say your pronouns after your name. 

Example 1, Meghan (She, her) I like cats!

Example 2, "Hi! My name is Meghan, and I use she, her pronouns, what about you?"

    Step 9: When using pronouns professionally, finding gender-neutral titles, may seem difficult. Many of us use "Sir" and "Ma'am", and as we can see, there is no androgynous-friendly title. Finding your own can be difficult, but it can also be fun. I personally like to use "Comrades" for friends and people my age, and "Monarch" or "Lord" for people who I would usually call "Sir" or "Ma'am". There are many other gender-neutral friendly options so find some that your friend is comfortable with you using.

For example, *at a cafe* "Here is your tea." "Thank you, Your Grace."

    Now, this may seem like a tall order and a lot of things to do, but it is so worth it. Using the correct pronouns can make somebody's day, and can help them feel comfortable, valid, and welcome. It will also help you build your trust with that person, and it's an amazing feeling to watch somebody's face light up as you use the correct name and pronouns. Also remember, your friend could be transitioning, which could be a very stressful time period, so being kind and courteous, and respecting their pronouns can make them feel less stressed about what's going on in their lives. The most important thing to remember when learning new names and pronouns is that it takes time, and you're doing this not only for your friend but for yourself.

Thanks for reading, and Good luck!

(if you have any other tricks to help remember pronouns, put them in the comments, lets help each other out!)